It still haunts me?

I couldn't believe that it struck my heart and mind with strong anxiety at that moment. It was the moment I saw a familiar back of someone in a fast food restaurant. For that moment, I thought it was really her and I was contemplating what kind of face expression I should possess? One with a warming smile like one when I see an old friend? Or just pretend as though I didn't see her? Then, I thought maybe I should just stay cool and throw a smile when she looks at me. I was waiting anxiously for her turning over and oh...it wasn't her... So, what was my anxiety all about?Dang...

Waiting For The End (by Linkin Park)

This is not the end 
This is not the beginning, 
Just a voice like a riot 
Rocking every revision 
But you listen to the tone 
And the violent rhythm 
Though the words sound steady 
Something empty's within 'em 

We say Yeah! 
With fists flying up in the air 
Like we're holding onto something 
That's invisible there, 
'Cause we're living at the mercy of 
The pain and the fear 
Until we dead it, Forget it, 
Let it all disappear. 

Waiting for the end to come 
Wishing I had strength to stand 
This is not what I had planned 
It's out of my control.... 

Flying at the speed of light 
Thoughts were spinning in my head 
So many things were left unsaid 
It's hard to let you go... 

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on, 
I know how it feels to lie, 
All I wanna do 
Is trade this life for something new 
Holding on to what I haven't got 

Sitting in an empty room 
Trying to forget the past 
This was never meant to last, 
I wish it wasn't so... 

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on, 
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

Wasted!

Deterioration in my life is what I can feel intensely for these couple of days; how I'm getting wasted and tremendously unproductive in my life as a scholar. It has been persisting for several months but with strong senses of ignorance and negligence, I did not even realize how serious the problem is and  how I should almost make an immediate total change in my life.


Improve or change? For now, I think switching back to my previous lifestyle (when I was in high school) sound like a more important plan than almost anything else. The opportunity costs might be sacrificing some pursuits of happiness but who cares?! That pursuit, to me, is sometimes of no worth having it when I pursue for something happy but irrelevant or have no true significance at all. Such happiness may not come with joy.


I have ignored many valuable and worthy things in life by spending time and efforts doing almost nothing good and have neglected my responsibility as a scholar, a son and a friend. As a student, I should realize how lucky am I to be awarded with a scholarship, the chance to study in an institution of such a good environment and the chance to continue pursuing my studies overseas. As a son, I should not forget how I left home to live in a place away from home and how my parents would wonder about how is my life when they can't see me and sometimes, worry about me. How can a son disappoint his parents?! In friendships, I should realize how foolish it is to try to create some chances and changes that help to make myself, perhaps seem more sociable.


# Hey boy, you failed! Almost everything for now! You're no longer yourself and you're wasted! Continue doing it and you'll rot and spoil your life and that's it!

Untitled again...

Not knowing what he's done but he's already done it...Not knowing what to say for didn't know what to say...nor knowing what to feel for had somehow created the awkwardness.... not knowing what to do, anticipating things to work their ways out and not let his own history repeats....All he knows is to learn his appreciation and sometimes, express his gratitude and concern...

Oh God,please...

Oh God....I just found her not long ago but she's leaving soon...Please give me another good friend like her :(

A Man's Affection

Is feeling affectionate to a few girls at a time a bad thing to do, a sin? Maybe he has affection for different girl at different time? Is that what a selfish man would do?

Every girl is created so attractive and perfect in their way. Not that they're in absolute perfection by common and mere general judgement but they're all unique and special...And some of them simply make a worthy stay in a man's heart...at least for a moment..and that this man appreciates it very much despite his affection for them might be selfish...

Deep in heart, he wishes so much that each of them can stay longer for him...even if not for him, at least by chance...Most importantly, each feeling of affection is sincere and true..Even if there is no love relationship for him, getting the chance of seeing them is already a pleasure to him...But when he realizes that he will no longer have this chance with a girl, he feels bad as if there comes another drop of tear from inside his heart...Even as for a friendship, this drop of tear will still be there for this girl...And he hopes he can remember this girl forever...

#p.s: Whenever he feels like people might think he's a playboy, he actually feel more like a miserable man...

a brittle heart's wish

...when I wish there is someone to care for me,to comfort and touch this little brittle me when I feel broken and overwhelmed with grief...a brittle heart's wish...

Girl oh girl

Girl oh girl..When I don't know what to do with you, I'll just love you...When neither of us give any response, I'll just keep quiet and watch you once in a while...and I still think two is better than one....

BiRthDay, CHRisTmAs aNd NEw YEAr BLaSts....CaMe aNd Passed bUt not mEmoRies which stay..

          My semester break has started for quite some time. I did a weekend part time job as a labelmaker promoter at Popular bookstore in Kinta City, Ipoh for 4 (or 5, couldn't remember) weekends. It was a well-paid job but I'll only get my salary later and working as a promoter was a horrible experience to me which I don't even want to talk much about. Then, it was a big family joined by 16 lovely family members to Cameron Highland. It was the first Cameron Highland trip I truly enjoyed. We spent a night in a hotel there, visited quite some interesting places like plantation farms and valleys, and of course, getting some fresh breaths with the cooling air there. Maybe the most important part was the people I spent my time with which were my lovely cousin sisters, aunts, uncles and PoPo from Singapore and Johore, and my own family as well. Not to forget, a maid of theirs and they all just stayed in my small little but warm single-storey terrace house when they were in Ipoh. Those were the sweet memories took place earlier in the beginning of December before my birthday on the 15^th. 

 


My birthday was a rather simple day. Someone I hoped that she would maybe come out with me couldn't make it and I didn't really ask my friends for a hang out (didn't even know who to ask as my buddy, Ken Hoong was in Kampar).Anyway, my mum prepared a simple steamboat at home and I spent most of the time of that seemingly-big day to me, surfing the Net and replying birthday wishes on my Facebook. Well, I didn't really get any birthday present except a wristband from a lovely girl who gave it to me a couple of days ago. That wasn't any big deal or sad thing to me though; I'm quite used to it.
          Nine days later was Christmas Eve. I was glad that my family (even though without my dad who's working in S'pore) was able to go out together for a movie, Treasure Hunter using free movie passes (thanks to Digi Campus :P) and was followed by a simple Christmas Eve steamboat dinner at Ipoh Parade. By the way, that was also considered a simple celebration of my brother's success in getting straight A's in his PMR, a result better than mine (by having an A's more than me) which made me rather proud of him. Well, on the next day which was Christmas day, that girl I mentioned earlier couldn't make it and again, I was spending my time at home, on the Net. The next day of anticipation was New Year which I didn't have much idea about earlier and wasn't expected much surprises or fun.

          Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you'll get. Forrest Gump and his mum were quite right about that. I thought I was only going to spend my New Year Eve at home without any huge and happening New Year count down as I couldn't get anyone to go to any official count down spots with me. My buddy, Ken Hoong had proven me wrong when he came back from his UTAR campus in Kampar within a couple of hours and was ready to go out for a New Year Eve celebration and final count down with me...Wuhuuu!!!! The earlier plan was joining my old Popular colleagues for a steamboat supper at MP in Greentown and then, head to a club or sort of a disco place. That was an exciting one, going to a place where only people with the privilege of above 18 can enter. We reached MP quite early before my Popular friends reached there. My friend thought that we'd better have the count down at our next destination first with some other friends. Once again, the car engine is started and a move is made, heading to Rum Jungle, located next to Lost World of Tambun. 
      Meeting some old classmates there including my cousin, Dandy was a pleasure. Then, we entered that dark place with light effects and people's cheers all around and loud music at the dance floor. I was like almost couldn't feel like myself but controlled by the beating of my heart affected by the music bass. Besides us, there were my friends' UTAR friends who seemed to be used to the place. Getting high with the music at the dance floor with some simple dance moves wasn't that bad. According my friend and my own judgement, Rum Jungle is considered of a higher standard compared to some other discos where people stuck in a small place. I wouldn't talk more detailed about the clubbing thingy there but most importantly, I didn't made myself feeling how it's like to be drunk because that was totally unnecessary.

          My buddy spent one night at my house. The next day, I started my serious packing of my baggages as I'll leave Ipoh on the next morning to get back to INTI-UC, Nilai for my new semester. Later in the noon, I followed Ken Hoong back to his house to help him upgrading his laptop from Windows Vista to Windows 7. I was unsure if my CD works on his laptop but anyway, I gave it a try as he was attracted when I first showed him the features of Windows 7 Home Premium a week before that. After lunching at my friend's house with his dad's yummy fried bihun, we went to Ipoh Parade for a last minute shop before I leave Ipoh. We looked at some clothes while making a simple but rush window shopping as we had a plan of going for dinner at my home later after that. Then, I packed my baggages and spent one night in Ken Hoong's house. Leaving home this time made me feel a bit heavy-hearted as it was a long two-months stay and it finally ends. My next stay will be about a month and a half from now for Chinese New Year.

         The next morning, Ken Hoong gave me a ride to railway station with my heavy bagpack and luggage. When the train arrived at the stop, I made a step into the train with my INTI friend, once again leaving Ipoh for future's sake. Once again, I'm opening the lid of my white laptop on the train and glad to be able to type this long post. Thanks to my family, I had a great stay. Thanks to my friends especially Ken Hoong, this holiday season was awesome. See you, Ipoh. To the one I once anticipated, good bye.

p/s : There were some down moments which I didn't really mention much but it really added the meaning of my stay in Ipoh this time. Thank you and you'll be remembered :)













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