Different reality

          Every now and then, I can't help but to think how naive insights and knowledge can be perceived. Or simply how easy enlightenment can come. Perhaps a different reality but doesn't work in mine? If only more openness and acceptance are offered, things might have been easier. No, we don't know everything. And no, we don't understand everything. Some need control while others must be loosen or even set free. You give an ear, not a mouth.  You give a glance, not a thought. You offer a tap, not a point. Not everything needs a savior or cure at its lowest point. At times, rather than assuming that all an addict needs is medication, you just have to offer him more drugs.  Different kind of human nature or humbleness or it's just to hard to comprehend the latter? What humbleness? Allowing thoughts about how a person might be raised in a different reality? No, there is no real and everlasting peace in minds. We are constantly sailing in the roaring wave of the sea. Yet another reality that we all judge each other. Yes, you judge but you don't say. Yes, you say but you mind it. You love and you hate, no matter how you wish there's only love. Or hatred is part of love? It's all just part of reality....a different or the real reality...

Dearest...

There are always times you have no one to talk to but something like the weblog again, maybe. There are always times when your mind is bothered by something that you simply can't make sense of, that triggers another headache and heartache, and you feel emotional again...


And there are always times when you thought you have found your dearest, only to realize in the next moment that you'd be slammed by another reality check: It was just a dream. If it really was a dream, it was too sweet, too real, and unforgettable. And the next thing you'd realize is that you don't know how to face the reality again. Perhaps baffled and lost.   


When something seemed the dearest to you the last second becomes a thing you can't afford again. You can barely touch or even smell it, but just observe from a distance, close your eyes, and feel from within for a second. Yet, you know it's never the same. You know that maybe for the rest of the time, that will remain as a tiny piece of memory and history is unlikely not repeat itself. Now, you're left with yourself. Dearest, you are too precious...

I Don't Know...

As if you know the biggest secret in the world. You don't know what to do or even what to feel. As though almost no one seems to know or care but you. And you don't know if it's the best this way. You just don't know. But you do feel it. You did.

Hello?

Hey ya'll,

When was my last time blogging? Hey, don't judge me! I really kinda lost my passion to blog. But now that I have a little feeling to write, you get to know a bit about my latest life! I can't guarantee when will be my next time posting so I hope this post is long enough to satisfy your curiosity.

Last Fall (End of July 2011 to be exact), I finally left my home and family in a country that I've been living for the past 20 years, Malaysia, heading for a new pursue of knowledge and experience in a Western country, a powerful nation yet so foreign and fresh to me, the United States of America. However, things are not completely different from back home. They're just...different.

Cut the story short (maybe a longer story next time),I've gone through the phases that'll an International student would experience in a new country, especially "Honeymoon period" and "culture shock"!

Honeymoon period: "Oh, Americans are so nice and friendly here.", "Oh, I'm so gonna make friends with the Americans.", "Oh, my campus is so beautiful.", "Oh, the sky so more beautiful here", "Oh, the girls here are so hot and pretty", "Oh, I've come to right place. I must be in heaven.", "Oh, it'll be so awesome here!".....

Culture shock:"Omg, why wouldn't they laugh when it's so damn funny?", "Omg, Americans are so individualistic!", "Omg, Americans don't walk on grass?", "Omg, Americans don't date?", "Omg, life's so lack of varieties here!", "Omg, my English is different from theirs.", "Omg, do American hairdressers know how to do a haircut?"....

Trust me, I never regret coming to Indiana University, Bloomington. This is my dream school and so, it's a dream-comes-true. Americans aren't that bad too. They're just different, culturally. Just that the feeling of loneliness does strike me once in a while; my close friends are all in other universities and things here might not be what they seem. Anyway, things have gotten better as time passes by, and probably I've found my new life. Now, let's talk about something exciting! My classes are pretty exciting! 

So, I'm now still under University Division, a "pre-school" for all IU students who have yet to be admitted into their own schools. I'm more excited about getting into School of Informatics and Computing, my main reason of being here. Up to now (April 2012),I should be on the track to a Bachelor of Science in Informatics, with a cognate and minor in Telecommunication, plus a Certificate in Business. Pretty cool huh? Informatics is a very interesting inter-disciplinary major . But don't ask me what's my job after graduating because I really don't know how to answer. It's supposed to be a pretty flexible major that can fit me into almost anything, especially in Telecommuncation now. Wanna know what I study?

First semester (Fall 2011), these are the courses I took: Intro. to Informatics; Finite Mathematics; Intro. to Sociology; Beginner's Guitar Class; Ethics, Religion and Public Life. 15 credit hours, a variety of courses to give me an idea of what's Informatics and fulfill the requirements of my major, plus an activity course that's supposed fun and boost my GPA (turned out to be a pretty overwhelming class, not because of grade but a demanding instructor). In overall, a pretty good semester to kickoff my studies here. With a GPA of 3.6, I'm just too glad.

As for my Spring 2012 semester, I've progressed to some higher-level courses and feel more like an Informatics major. Courses I'm taking: Elementary Composition (Writing for Multilinguals); Math. Foundation of Informatics; Social Informatics; Media Life (Intro. to Media); Chi Gong. This semester is a bit more hectic with all the writing assignments due almost every week; however, I get to improve my English again. Math. Foundation of Informatics (a.k.a Discrete Math) turned out just fine, much better than I thought. Media Life, my first Telecom class, quite fun but its contents are pretty abstract. Not to miss, another random activity course, Chi Gong. I can heal myself and people now? 

Currently, I'm in the final stage of the semester, working on some papers and preparing for final exams. Look, I just spent about 2 hours for this post! I just can't resist writing so much and it'll take away my time. That's why I seldom blog. Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading. Till the next time I write again...(No promise though...). Peace out...

Should I? Should I?

Hmm..should I get back to blogging?should I? Should I?..hmm..I'm too... lazy?

For you...

Although it's not easy and requires determination, I'm trying to hold my feelings and stop listening to my instinct, giving you all the time that you need. Never be too bothered by little things that I could do every day which can mislead you to wrong decision. I made up my mind and initiated my commitment but to what extent, it might be affected by the impermanence in my personality. Perhaps that is one thing you wish to know too. But for now, my feeling and admiration have not been shifting away, still true and only for you.

...just a few words...

I don't quite remember how to blog. All I feel like typing now is how I wish I have more time...but it's really okay. Because...I understand.

Update!

Hey yo, people!On this sunny second day of Chinese New Year celebration, I'm feeling the sudden urge that it's time to post something again and I suppose I ain't that lazy to type a quick one  =) Yea, I'm back in my simple yet lovely home in Ipoh again. This time, I'm back for the joy of a family reunion and it is indeed one of the celebrations that I've been longing for every year, the Chinese New Year in the Lunar calender. Sad to say that it'll probably be the last one before I leave my beloved homeland, Malaysia for an eye-opening journey of exploration, definitely more than just gaining new knowledge, in the other part of the world. It is a country in the West called the United States of America. Oh yeah, I just secured myself with the admission into one of the prestigious universities that I applied to, Purdue University. Of course, it'll only be possible to really continue my studies there if I'm able to keep up with my studies in my very last semester in INTI U. Anyway, I'm applying for two other universities, Indiana University and Ohio State University. In spite of Purdue's high ranking nationally and in the world, I still need time to decide on the right one for my academic endeavor later on.

     So, what's up in my recent life? Erm...talk about friends? I've been in the mood of fostering a pleasant relationship, perhaps a close friendship with a female friend. We were friends but not too close and lack of some real understandings of each other. This time, maybe not too much of flirt language but more friendly care as she seems to be feeling the aftermath of a broken relationship. I sincerely hope for her well-being in life and not too bothered by her past that encourages some devastating emotions. That's just mentally-unhealthful, not how life should be for a lovely girl like her. All I'm doing is trying to be a sensitive friend whom she can count on when she needs, hoping that time would heal the pains she mentioned. To her, let bygone be bygone.

     Talk about my college life now! I'm taking three subjects, which are Chemistry 1, General Psychology and Public Speaking. It should be rather manageable but I do need to spend some time for each of them. For Chemistry 1 class, my friends have been telling how friendly and nice is that lecturer, Miss Chong. I couldn't disagree with that as she's been showing her helpfulness and patience in the class. However, I just need to be more attentive and  focus in her lessons as it was two years ago when I last take a Science subject. All I want to complain is that I hope that irritating junior in my class should stop being so annoying and obnoxious by making all those unnecessary noises in the class. I seriously find them disrespectful, distasteful and distracting.


     Psychology is rather interesting. The way that huge lecturer, Mr Shankar teaches might be pretty dull sometimes, with her "Question?!" after every slide of Powerpoint notes and proceed with skimping through the slides. Anyway, he looks like a lecturer with a rather distinctive character (with his tatoo on the arm) and the way he confidently reasons with questions and doubts. He's another Atheist (I heard Mr Eddy, my previous World Religion lecturer is another one) and I started to wonder if all these philosophical lecturers prefer to believe it that way, to be more rational in discussing social questions the scientific and justified way.


     As for Public Speaking, it's another interesting class too. I was expecting Miss Karen, the lecturer to be a fabulous speaker. After all,I find my expectation to be overrated as she isn't really that impressive but the way she teaches is rather different. Being a mix-blooded lady of British and Malaysian Indian, she looks fair and "sweet" and her English is good and clear, except for her overly-used "Yea". I wonder if she noticed that >.< Her lessons are rather practical, obviously with all the speaking tutorials every week. I do find my indulgence in preparing for the tutorials, especially in improving each time for the next tutorial. It requires practices to speak well, really. All in all, the lessons for this semester are so-far-so-good. Surprisingly, I'm no longer that restless and easily dozes up during lessons anymore..Yeay!That's an achievement for me..hee..


Ok,people. Gotta go. Time to dress up myself for a big reunion dinner tonight. Happy Chinese New Year again. Have a great Rabbit year ahead!Till the next time...

Why aren't you updating your blog??!!!

Err...Lazy?Yes, a little...but there're more concerns for me to somehow find it not the right time yet. Firstly, I don't enjoying using inappropriate English at all. Fyi, I was worried about my English proficiency that I felt not up to the standard (which means I can't keep to my current English proficiency level if I'm really going to the US) and I'm trying very hard to improve on my English now. I signed up for SAT next month even though I don't really need it. However, I take it as an opportunity to boost my English vocabularies. Anyway, I think this is a good start before I land my steps in any of the US universities, especially if I am going to Indiana University which is apparently one of my choices and requires all their new students to take an English Proficiency Test upon admission. For now, I'm mugging up my SAT book, jotting down new and useful English vocabularies and try to practically use them.

Well, it's true that you still don't see many new and sophisticated words being used in this post because I'm still not good in it if I'm writing (typing actually) just for the sake of writing naturally, and not improving on it at the same time instead. I'm not sure how, whether I'm on the right track or need some new methods, but I just hope that things will work out eventually. Perhaps one of my new resolutions for 2011...English ftw!!!

Secondly, I am not sure how well I am expressing myself. You might want to know that I had actually deliberately trying to type new blog posts several times and stopped half way or probably after a few sentences, not knowing how to continue or whether there is a point blogging about it. Sometimes, I feel that I used to do this type of expressing essays much better but was I using enough of words to sufficiently and entirely express my true feelings? I doubt that and I'm doubting myself now as well. Anyway, it was not long since I had found my real self again so maybe I should give myself more time.I was kinda losing myself in the indulgence of many new things in my first year and a half in college. Time heals and hopefully, unleash the real potential and personality of mine. Well, if any of you wonder why am I so concerned about using the right English and right way of expressing myself, I'm indeed a person who holds to my principles sometimes....or most of the time. Pal ,accept it.

Thirdly, I'm not sure if I want to announce the details in my life on a blog online. In fact, I have started to realize some disadvantages in using social networks like Facebook, a social monopolist obviously and stop letting my privacy being "exploited". Actually, maybe it isn't really about feeling insecure but rather, not willing to share my stories with everyone. There are some people in my life, some acquaintances perhaps, whom I wish to keep some of the my stories things from. It's not that I hate or dislike them;I just find it unnecessary for them to know so much. I guess I still wish to keep some of my privacies that I deserve.

Actually, I enjoy blogging, especially when I come up with my new theories about life and start telling my humanitarian or philosophical thoughts. I just wish to tell everything in the best way I can in this blogosphere. Name it The Art of Blogging. Blog about my unDefineD wOrds.....

It still haunts me?

I couldn't believe that it struck my heart and mind with strong anxiety at that moment. It was the moment I saw a familiar back of someone in a fast food restaurant. For that moment, I thought it was really her and I was contemplating what kind of face expression I should possess? One with a warming smile like one when I see an old friend? Or just pretend as though I didn't see her? Then, I thought maybe I should just stay cool and throw a smile when she looks at me. I was waiting anxiously for her turning over and oh...it wasn't her... So, what was my anxiety all about?Dang...

Waiting For The End (by Linkin Park)

This is not the end 
This is not the beginning, 
Just a voice like a riot 
Rocking every revision 
But you listen to the tone 
And the violent rhythm 
Though the words sound steady 
Something empty's within 'em 

We say Yeah! 
With fists flying up in the air 
Like we're holding onto something 
That's invisible there, 
'Cause we're living at the mercy of 
The pain and the fear 
Until we dead it, Forget it, 
Let it all disappear. 

Waiting for the end to come 
Wishing I had strength to stand 
This is not what I had planned 
It's out of my control.... 

Flying at the speed of light 
Thoughts were spinning in my head 
So many things were left unsaid 
It's hard to let you go... 

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on, 
I know how it feels to lie, 
All I wanna do 
Is trade this life for something new 
Holding on to what I haven't got 

Sitting in an empty room 
Trying to forget the past 
This was never meant to last, 
I wish it wasn't so... 

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on, 
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending Is starting again!!

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what i haven't got...

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what i haven't got!)

Wasted!

Deterioration in my life is what I can feel intensely for these couple of days; how I'm getting wasted and tremendously unproductive in my life as a scholar. It has been persisting for several months but with strong senses of ignorance and negligence, I did not even realize how serious the problem is and  how I should almost make an immediate total change in my life.


Improve or change? For now, I think switching back to my previous lifestyle (when I was in high school) sound like a more important plan than almost anything else. The opportunity costs might be sacrificing some pursuits of happiness but who cares?! That pursuit, to me, is sometimes of no worth having it when I pursue for something happy but irrelevant or have no true significance at all. Such happiness may not come with joy.


I have ignored many valuable and worthy things in life by spending time and efforts doing almost nothing good and have neglected my responsibility as a scholar, a son and a friend. As a student, I should realize how lucky am I to be awarded with a scholarship, the chance to study in an institution of such a good environment and the chance to continue pursuing my studies overseas. As a son, I should not forget how I left home to live in a place away from home and how my parents would wonder about how is my life when they can't see me and sometimes, worry about me. How can a son disappoint his parents?! In friendships, I should realize how foolish it is to try to create some chances and changes that help to make myself, perhaps seem more sociable.


# Hey boy, you failed! Almost everything for now! You're no longer yourself and you're wasted! Continue doing it and you'll rot and spoil your life and that's it!

Untitled again...

Not knowing what he's done but he's already done it...Not knowing what to say for didn't know what to say...nor knowing what to feel for had somehow created the awkwardness.... not knowing what to do, anticipating things to work their ways out and not let his own history repeats....All he knows is to learn his appreciation and sometimes, express his gratitude and concern...

Oh God,please...

Oh God....I just found her not long ago but she's leaving soon...Please give me another good friend like her :(

A Man's Affection

Is feeling affectionate to a few girls at a time a bad thing to do, a sin? Maybe he has affection for different girl at different time? Is that what a selfish man would do?

Every girl is created so attractive and perfect in their way. Not that they're in absolute perfection by common and mere general judgement but they're all unique and special...And some of them simply make a worthy stay in a man's heart...at least for a moment..and that this man appreciates it very much despite his affection for them might be selfish...

Deep in heart, he wishes so much that each of them can stay longer for him...even if not for him, at least by chance...Most importantly, each feeling of affection is sincere and true..Even if there is no love relationship for him, getting the chance of seeing them is already a pleasure to him...But when he realizes that he will no longer have this chance with a girl, he feels bad as if there comes another drop of tear from inside his heart...Even as for a friendship, this drop of tear will still be there for this girl...And he hopes he can remember this girl forever...

#p.s: Whenever he feels like people might think he's a playboy, he actually feel more like a miserable man...

a brittle heart's wish

...when I wish there is someone to care for me,to comfort and touch this little brittle me when I feel broken and overwhelmed with grief...a brittle heart's wish...

Girl oh girl

Girl oh girl..When I don't know what to do with you, I'll just love you...When neither of us give any response, I'll just keep quiet and watch you once in a while...and I still think two is better than one....

BiRthDay, CHRisTmAs aNd NEw YEAr BLaSts....CaMe aNd Passed bUt not mEmoRies which stay..

          My semester break has started for quite some time. I did a weekend part time job as a labelmaker promoter at Popular bookstore in Kinta City, Ipoh for 4 (or 5, couldn't remember) weekends. It was a well-paid job but I'll only get my salary later and working as a promoter was a horrible experience to me which I don't even want to talk much about. Then, it was a big family joined by 16 lovely family members to Cameron Highland. It was the first Cameron Highland trip I truly enjoyed. We spent a night in a hotel there, visited quite some interesting places like plantation farms and valleys, and of course, getting some fresh breaths with the cooling air there. Maybe the most important part was the people I spent my time with which were my lovely cousin sisters, aunts, uncles and PoPo from Singapore and Johore, and my own family as well. Not to forget, a maid of theirs and they all just stayed in my small little but warm single-storey terrace house when they were in Ipoh. Those were the sweet memories took place earlier in the beginning of December before my birthday on the 15^th. 

 


My birthday was a rather simple day. Someone I hoped that she would maybe come out with me couldn't make it and I didn't really ask my friends for a hang out (didn't even know who to ask as my buddy, Ken Hoong was in Kampar).Anyway, my mum prepared a simple steamboat at home and I spent most of the time of that seemingly-big day to me, surfing the Net and replying birthday wishes on my Facebook. Well, I didn't really get any birthday present except a wristband from a lovely girl who gave it to me a couple of days ago. That wasn't any big deal or sad thing to me though; I'm quite used to it.
          Nine days later was Christmas Eve. I was glad that my family (even though without my dad who's working in S'pore) was able to go out together for a movie, Treasure Hunter using free movie passes (thanks to Digi Campus :P) and was followed by a simple Christmas Eve steamboat dinner at Ipoh Parade. By the way, that was also considered a simple celebration of my brother's success in getting straight A's in his PMR, a result better than mine (by having an A's more than me) which made me rather proud of him. Well, on the next day which was Christmas day, that girl I mentioned earlier couldn't make it and again, I was spending my time at home, on the Net. The next day of anticipation was New Year which I didn't have much idea about earlier and wasn't expected much surprises or fun.

          Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you'll get. Forrest Gump and his mum were quite right about that. I thought I was only going to spend my New Year Eve at home without any huge and happening New Year count down as I couldn't get anyone to go to any official count down spots with me. My buddy, Ken Hoong had proven me wrong when he came back from his UTAR campus in Kampar within a couple of hours and was ready to go out for a New Year Eve celebration and final count down with me...Wuhuuu!!!! The earlier plan was joining my old Popular colleagues for a steamboat supper at MP in Greentown and then, head to a club or sort of a disco place. That was an exciting one, going to a place where only people with the privilege of above 18 can enter. We reached MP quite early before my Popular friends reached there. My friend thought that we'd better have the count down at our next destination first with some other friends. Once again, the car engine is started and a move is made, heading to Rum Jungle, located next to Lost World of Tambun. 
      Meeting some old classmates there including my cousin, Dandy was a pleasure. Then, we entered that dark place with light effects and people's cheers all around and loud music at the dance floor. I was like almost couldn't feel like myself but controlled by the beating of my heart affected by the music bass. Besides us, there were my friends' UTAR friends who seemed to be used to the place. Getting high with the music at the dance floor with some simple dance moves wasn't that bad. According my friend and my own judgement, Rum Jungle is considered of a higher standard compared to some other discos where people stuck in a small place. I wouldn't talk more detailed about the clubbing thingy there but most importantly, I didn't made myself feeling how it's like to be drunk because that was totally unnecessary.

          My buddy spent one night at my house. The next day, I started my serious packing of my baggages as I'll leave Ipoh on the next morning to get back to INTI-UC, Nilai for my new semester. Later in the noon, I followed Ken Hoong back to his house to help him upgrading his laptop from Windows Vista to Windows 7. I was unsure if my CD works on his laptop but anyway, I gave it a try as he was attracted when I first showed him the features of Windows 7 Home Premium a week before that. After lunching at my friend's house with his dad's yummy fried bihun, we went to Ipoh Parade for a last minute shop before I leave Ipoh. We looked at some clothes while making a simple but rush window shopping as we had a plan of going for dinner at my home later after that. Then, I packed my baggages and spent one night in Ken Hoong's house. Leaving home this time made me feel a bit heavy-hearted as it was a long two-months stay and it finally ends. My next stay will be about a month and a half from now for Chinese New Year.

         The next morning, Ken Hoong gave me a ride to railway station with my heavy bagpack and luggage. When the train arrived at the stop, I made a step into the train with my INTI friend, once again leaving Ipoh for future's sake. Once again, I'm opening the lid of my white laptop on the train and glad to be able to type this long post. Thanks to my family, I had a great stay. Thanks to my friends especially Ken Hoong, this holiday season was awesome. See you, Ipoh. To the one I once anticipated, good bye.

p/s : There were some down moments which I didn't really mention much but it really added the meaning of my stay in Ipoh this time. Thank you and you'll be remembered :)













Click Click! :P

Happy Birthday to myself..

Happy birthday,yoong shen...you don't have someone to accompany you...at least you have some friends who send you wishes :)

Untitled 2

Things have changed. I feel like losing my soul....or there's another hole in it. Something's missing...a hope, perhaps..Maybe that is why I'm feeling weird these recent mornings...I have fewer things to hope for in the beginning of each new morning...and now, I'm in the process of filling that emptiness..Hope I can do this, even by doing it myself...